When Monster In-Laws Want Something Different…
If you don’t have an intrusive opinionated mother in-law, consider yourself lucky! From the story’s I’ve heard throughout my work with engaged couples, Mom comes with the perfect husband package!
Kris always dreamed of the perfect white wedding with the flowers, the cake and all her friends and family in the Church she grew up in. At age 18 she had it all planned out, she was going to get married at 24 to her high school boyfriend, wait a year before she had her first baby, work part time and be on the PTA.
That was her happily ever after and as far as she knew that was the way it was going to be. Then 2 days before her 24th birthday she broke up with her boyfriend and decided to move from Denver to New York to pursue her modeling career.
Over the next few years her ideas about marriage and weddings changed and she met a Jewish man from Long Island with whom she fell in love. When Max proposed to her, all she wanted was to fly to an exotic island and get married on the beach barefoot… just the two of them.
Max was happy about that idea and agreed enthusiastically. Unfortunately, his mother did not agree and would take every opportunity to confront Kris (”semi aggressively” as she put it) regularly about how this was her fault and why did she have to do that to her.
Kris had a meddling mother in-law on her hands. Over the next few months, Max and Kris fought constantly about what to do. Kris was confused because she thought that she and Max were on the same page, but apparently because his mother would be “devastated” if she couldn’t witness her only son’s marriage, Max had changed his mind… and he was allowing his mother to “terrorize” his fiancé.
When Kris and Max brought this issue to me, the first thing we did was figure out that Max did still want to fly off with Kris and elope on a beautiful island, but he felt guilty that his mother was not going to get what she wanted.
I sympathized with Max about how difficult it can be when you want to please your mom. We did some reality checking and Max came to the realization that he was going to be spending the rest of his life with Kris and that he was responsible for explaining to his mother that he was going to do what was best for them and their memories.
Moreover, Max also added that he would not accept his mother speaking to his wife semi aggressively or any aggressively and that she would need to respect them and the decisions they make.
The moral of this story is two fold… One, stick to your plans even if monster in-laws want something different and Two, if your mother is disrespecting your spouse to be, you best put her in her place and DO NOT allow her to bully your honey!
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May 5th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Great post! One thing I’ve learned during our planning process is that there needs to be a balance between making MIL happy and making me happy!
Thanks for the insight!
May 5th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Everything in life comes down to finding balance and planning a wedding sure fits right in there! As long as your decisions are self-NURTURING and not SelFISH, you’re on the right track
) What’s the difference? Selfish is approaching a situation with hurtful, deceitful or manipulative intentions. Self-nurturing is listening to your gut and being true to you while respecting the thoughts and opinions of those you love.