Why Couples Don’t Invest In Marriage Prep When We Know How Much Grief and Money It Saves Down The Road

Posted by Cory on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009 in Relationship Advice

I’m so interested in Marriage Prep and learing more about how to make a marriage really last that I had the idea to contact some of the country’s top experts in the areas of Marriage, Divorce and Relationships. I posed a provocative question…

Why do engaged couples invest an arm and leg into their wedding day, but don’t invest into their marriage when we all know how much grief and money it saves them?

The response to this question was so overwhelming that I spent three hours sifting through them. The research is there and if you don’t do something to build a solid foundation for your Marriage NOW, you could very well be part of the 60% of couples who get divorced in the first five years of marriage.

Don’t take my word for it, here’s what some of the experts had to say:

Janet Zinn, LCSW Psychotherapist and Relationship Therapist

One reason that couples focus on the wedding rather than the marriage is that they can fulfill an earlier dream or fantasy rather than deal with the reality of intimacy and being in a relationship that is not static.

Later when the dream can’t exist in a real relationship they can come to see that the wedding was easier to plan since it was for only a day, but that it takes a lot more than planning to have a healthy ongoing marriage.

Celebrations are important, but they cannot be the foundation for something that entails the privacy and sanctity of a long-term relationship.

Cheryl Jablow, Social Frog Designs Wedding and Event Consulting

As much as I love planning amazing weddings for my clients, I see more and more focus being paid to creating lavish settings and the whole “guest experience” for weddings.

This is commonly made up of the latest floral and environment design, unique food and cocktail creations, various types of entertainment, and all the elements of a extraordinary party.

Although weddings are a celebration, I feel more couples need to focus on the real meaning behind marriage, how it will change their lives, and if the person they are marrying fulfills their expectation of a lifelong partner. Elements that make up the wedding ceremony are usually the last “to-do’s” finalized by couples!

Tina B. Tessina, (aka “Dr. Romance”) Psychotherapist and Author

I believe couples who are contemplating marriage get lost in the romance of it all, they’re not thinking straight, and they don’t want to be serious.

They’re lost in “limerence” – the blind, unthinking haze of sexual desire and romance. They prefer thinking about their fantasy wedding to thinking about the real reasons to get married and build a life together.

Lesley Hoenig, Attorney

I’m an attorney that’s done some family law matters, and as a person I just personally am not a big fan of marriage (been with my boyfriend for 8 years, we debate getting married for the insurance but otherwise are pretty happy as is and we keep things as financially separate as possible).

I think part of the problem is that people grow up not really understanding what happens when they get married. They have this idea of what their wedding will be like, a big expensive fun party.

They spend no time thinking about what married life is going to be like until they are married. Some people do have the forethought to think ahead and plan, but that is not most people, and I think most people get married too young which is part of the problem. If they wait until they’re financially established, they’re going to be less likely to experience the problems that they do.

Mike Dow, Doctor of Psychology

With regard to marriage prep and why couples don’t take the time… it is part of a larger theme. I call it the “America Stuck on Stupid” (SOS) theme which has been rampant for many decades when it comes to marriage.

We have the highest divorce rate in the world but most couples avoid marriage prep because…

1) They are in love and that’s all they need.
2) She cannot get him to go since men don’t ask for directions!
3) He cannot get her to go because she thinks it means something is wrong.

I believe that there is implication that going to couples’ therapy means that there is something wrong with your relationship. I believe that we should look at couples’ therapy in a different way. It means that you truly want to know your significant other, and what does THIS mean?

This means that you love each other. Research has shown that the better you know your partner, the better you will weather the hard stuff. Dr. Harville Hendrix’s Imago Relationship Therapy and Dr. John Gottman’s models both take this into account. I recommend finding a couples therapist or consider the couples’ weekend retreats that these two models offer.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist

When weddings are being planned many couples fear marriage preparation for fear they will find out they are not suited to each other. They are in the romantic phase of love and live with hope that everything will just turn out.

Many women want to get married – not be married. Their thoughts are about the wedding day not the years of life together. With so much focus on “catching” a man there is a hesitancy to seek pre marriage counseling in case real issues develop and the man “gets away”.

I have heard of brides who have their wedding dress but haven’t found the groom yet. It is as if they want to play “princess” and it is about the attention and the fantasy not reality.

If you’ve read all of this, then I would say you’re pretty emotionally intelligent and actually give a crap about what happens in and to your marriage. KUDOS to you!!!

What you need to do next, is pick up your FREE copy of my new Special Report, “69 Things You Need To Do Before You Get Married”

I swear! …The 69 was a total coincidence… seriously… :)



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